I have existed as so many versions of myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who’s staring back at me. I seem to have formed a pattern and become a master of being consistently inconsistent.
But wait a minute… is it wrong to keep wanting to change myself?

I know I have tried changing for “the better” because for a long time I knew that I was inherently bad. I’ve tried so many times to ‘clean up my act’ and it’s never been a resounding success. Somewhere, somehow, something falls apart. Then it’s encore o’ clock for my bad self and I succumb to being me.

For longer than I can remember, fear has always had its weighty hand on my shoulder. There’s nothing heavier than fear of failure.  A slave is what I’ve been and as a result, I left so many things untouched, opportunities unpursued, friendships unkindled. Sigh, I have more loose ends than I can count.
Many days, I wake up with the hope that everything will be better, I’ll be better than the old me but it’s not the same hope I used to have. I can easily I act a fool, find something to laugh at until I have happy tears in my eyes. That’s shortlived too because even though I smile, it’s not the kind happiness that I used to know.

Come to think of it, I haven’t been that kind of happy for years. I once looked forward to what life would bring because at some point in this journey I felt I was grasping onto purpose. I don’t know what else I reached out for but somewhere along the way, I loosened my grip and it slipped away. Let me tell you something, in this life, I’ve learned to cope.  I’ve learned how to wear a smile (rock my lipstick) and keep it moving. I’ve learned how to keep people at a distance especially when life has me feeling some type of way. For the most part, it’s worked but it also does get lonely once the walls go up. On the other hand it’s been somewhat freeing, living that way. I can comfortably be ‘closed for renovations’ when things are thick and have an ‘open’ sign when I feel better about life.

😊Smile, because this post isn’t meant to be a sad mopey installment. It’s just me expressing myself and trying to do away with the walls. I built the walls, and brick by brick I must be able to  take them down. A wise person once said: “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten”.

I still want to change myself. I still want to be better, do better.
I believe that there is a bright side, a point, a lovely culmination, a final version and that one day I will be the Michelle that I was born to be.